


jeg er (ikke) homo

by smalltownmotel



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Coming of Age, M/M, Relationship(s), Self-Acceptance, Sexuality Crisis, and i switch between past and present tense constantly i'm sorry, english isn't my first language, i have to admit this is kinda autobiographic at some point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 10:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11667081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smalltownmotel/pseuds/smalltownmotel
Summary: Different stages of Isak's journey of coming to terms with himself.





	jeg er (ikke) homo

I – Summer 2014 

Girls. Isak didn’t know when exactly it had happened, but suddenly, all his friends seemed to talk about were girls. He understood what made girls attractive – long hair, soft skin, curves for days. The thing was, he just couldn’t bring himself to like it. Sure, some girls looked pretty and were nice, but it didn’t make him want to kiss them and be with them and fuck them and whatever. 

Love, he thought, it would just take falling in love with one specific girl for him to realize how amazing they really were, and how his friends had been right all along with everything they’d said. He started texting and flirting and trying, dated an Anna and a Johanne and a Martine and hooked up with girls at parties. He found it easy to pick them up, was never as nervous or giddy as his friends seemed to be, was even brave enough to approach the ones the others stared at longingly from afar, the ones that were apparently “out of their league” and “model-like”. Isak had game. Or that’s what his friends thought. Actually, Isak desperately wanted to fit in, and he did a good job. 

In reality, Isak was super confused. Was everone just exaggerating? Maybe those butterflies everyone was apparently feeling were made up, maybe being in love and kissing and cuddling didn’t feel as amazing as people said. Whenever he actually got around to thinking about these things, which was usually on sleepless nights, alone in his bed, he didn’t let his thoughts wander off too far. He didn’t let himself finish the strays through his own psyche, because there were doors he would never dare to open, out of fear of what would be behind them –parts of himself he never, ever wanted to discover and that he would rather ignore for his whole life than approach or even accept. 

It got worse when he woke up one morning, remnants of his dream inside of his head clear as day, sheets and boxers sticky, clinging to him uncomfortably. The person inside his dream had been faceless, but they had been too tall for a girl and too muscular for a girl and had not smelled like a girl and had held him up against a wall and – fuck. While Isak moved everything to the washing machine, quietly so his parents wouldn’t notice, he cried. He cried and he fucking hated himself and then he stopped crying and swore to himself that he would never tell anyone. He would rather repress himself and his feelings than be different. And it would be alright, maybe, if he just knew for himself. Maybe he could just forget about it again, and ignore it. And never go after it. 

When he was sitting at the breakfast table, he looked at both his parents, and he was jealous of them, because they had won the lottery of sexualities, apparently. Fuck, everyone he knew had. Except for him. Of course. 

II – Winter 2015

Everything seemed to be slowly falling apart around him. Out of all the boys in the world, Isak had developed a crush on fucking Jonas. He didn’t really know when exactly it had happened, just knows that one day he looked at him and his only thought was “Fuck, I want to kiss you.”. He managed not to let it show, but constantly having to be a third wheel when Jonas hung out with Eva, his girlfriend, fucking hurt. He loved them both, he did, but he wanted them apart. He knew he didn’t have a chance with Jonas, but it was easy to ignore when the other boy smiled at Isak, or hugged him, or when they fell asleep in one bed when Isak was staying over at Jonas’ place. 

Maybe Eva trusted Isak too much. Maybe Isak had done stupid shit and would like to undo it, scared of the truth behind his actions. But there were worse things to be worried about right now. 

Isak was no longer jealous of his parents, because they were fighting nearly constantly, so much that Lea, the family dog, apparently had had enough of it all and run away – Isak hadn’t seen her in three days, and it was fucking cold outside and he didn’t even know when she managed to get out of the house and he wanted to cry. He has to do all the laundry and all the cooking and all the cleaning, because his dad is just never there anymore and well, his mum. 

His mum is not well, has never been able to stay strong when being stressed and put under pressure. It’s rarely noticeable she’s there these days, as long as she’s not fighting with her husband, she spends all day holed up in the parent’s bedroom. When Isak had gone in one time, wanting to somehow get in contact with his mum, and also needing help with the failed fried potatoes he had just tried to make, she had looked at him like he was a stranger, eyes barely focusing on him before drifting off to stare at some spot on the wall behind him. She had not answered. Isak was freaked out, had never gone in there again ever since, not understanding why she apparently ignored him but not his dad, when all he wanted was to fight. 

Then everything completely went to shit. Isak caught his dad in the hallway one evening, two suitcases in his hands. “Where are you going?” Isak’s voice was already shaking, and the question was unnecessary, because he knew where he was going. “Isak, please, I can’t..” “Pappa, please. Stay. I can’t do this. Please, I think Mamma needs help and-“ The first tears rolled out of his eyes when his father’s expression just stayed blank. “I need to go, Isak. You’re going to be fine, I promise.” 

After, things were kind of rushed, like a memory that didn’t have enough time to be experienced properly. Isak was loud, too loud, crying and sobbing and literally begging on his knees for his dad not to go, not to leave him all by himself at 16, and his dad pushed him when Isak tried to hold him back. Then there was the family picture, thrown from the top of the stairs, hitting his dad right in the face before falling to the ground, frame shattering into a thousand pieces and Isak remembers thinking “how fucking symbolic”, seconds before reality set in. His mum was standing up there, screaming, out of her mind, and Isak’s dad had sunk to the ground, blood running over his face, before standing up straight, suitcases still in hand, saying “You’re fucking crazy, Marianne”. Then he left, just like that. 

His mum was still screaming, something about harassment and how Isak should get out and how she was about to call the police on the both of them for stalking. Isak ran. He ran and ran and ran through the winter night until his lungs were burning from the cold and when a confused Jonas opened the door, he just collapsed on the floor in his apartment, sobs racking through his body, knowing his home was officially broken now. 

He went back afterwards. His dad transferred him money every week, and his mum just always stayed in her room and he felt like he lived all by himself. At first, it went okay. He couldn’t sleep well at night, and he constantly wished for everything to be like it had been only a year ago, when he had been one of the few people his age able to say that his parents were still together. But he managed to get along. He had to. 

III – Spring 2016

He got along until he didn’t, and he left. Left, just like his Dad. 

Left after his mum had destroyed every framed picture they had in their house, saying she was being watched, being controlled. After she hadn’t responded to any of Isak’s questions in a week, laying on her bed, blankly staring at the wall, and only moving to get food. After she had screamed and cried and been scared for no fucking reason, except the things she seemed to imagine. It kept Isak awake for nights. 

Isak knew he shouldn’t go, that he couldn’t leave his obviously mentally ill mum by herself with the dumb excuse of being 16. But he just couldn’t do it anymore, knew that if he stayed, his own mental health would be in danger. So he left, and he felt guilty as soon as he had stepped out of the house. And he didn’t even know where to go, could stay with Jonas for one or two nights maybe, but moving in with him was out of question. 

Wanting nothing but to stop worrying for just a little while, Isak ended up in some bar, and maybe it was a gay bar, maybe. It was the first time Isak didn’t care. Nobody here knew him, and he just wanted to drink. Drink to forget, drink to think about anything but his family and that he was kind of homeless right now and-

He woke up in a stranger’s bed the next day. It took him five minutes to figure out that he hadn’t been raped, and that maybe, for once, something good had happened. Because he could stay. Could stay in Eskild’s building, that was the stranger’s name. 

He had to live in the basement, together with spiders and stored beer and year-old dust, but everything was better than going back home. 

Eskild was gay. He was gay and he let it hang out, and everyone was still nice to him, mostly. Eskild was the first gay person Isak had ever consciously met, and he made him feel more insecure than ever, because even if he never said anything, Isak felt like Eskild could see right through him. Eskild met up with guys, just for sex, and Isak judged him for it. Judged until he got horny, and that happened more often than not because he was a goddamn teenager, and then he frantically googled on his phone, thinking about possible meeting places where nobody from school would see him, and in the end always only getting off to some low-quality porn. 

Afterwards, when he had calmed down, mind not consumed with the need to get off as soon as possible, the hate he had for himself always grew so strong he wanted to scream. Why couldn’t he just like girls? Why was he gay? And why did he have nobody? 

IV– Autumn/Winter 2016

Isak has met someone – Even. He’s a third year, tall and blonde haired and hot and funny and kind and all the things Isak has been looking for. And here they are, the butterflies, the giddy and funny feelings. Nobody’s been exaggerating. Isak and Even lie together in bed for hours, smoking pot and cuddling and making out. Isak has never felt more at ease. He clings onto Even, breathes Even. He can’t believe he’s got a boy laying in his bed, and that he’s allowed to touch him and kiss him. For the first time, Isak feels like he can fully let go with someone. Like he doesn’t have to hide some part of himself in order to be accepted. He feels like this is a promise of something bigger. 

Isak doesn’t know when it happens. But suddenly, he feels like maybe he doesn’t have to hide for his whole life. Maybe he should tell people. Maybe everything’s half as bad. You tend to think optimistically when you’re falling for someone. 

So Isak tells Eskild and then Jonas and then Mahdi and Magnus, and they don’t hate him. Isak finds himself smiling out on the street, simply because everything seems to be working out now, kind of. 

They go through some stuff, and Isak asks himself if he was just being dumb, if the whole thing really meant nothing to Even. But then they make up, and Even sucks Isak off. Isak lies flat on his bed while it happens, staring up to the ceiling, too shy to look at Even and what he is _doing_ , but fuck, he’s so affected, high whimpers and little pleas leaving his mouth. He can’t believe this is happening, that somebody is doing this to him, that this isn’t just some figment of his imagination. 

Afterwards, Even isn’t grossed out like Isak had feared in the back of his mind. He still looks at him the same way, still kisses him, still looks at him in that way he didn’t think anyone would ever look at him. Isak becomes braver. Two days later, he blows Even. 

One week later, they have sex for the first time. Sex. The thing Isak used to be so scared of, because he didn’t like the genitalia he was _supposed_ to like, the thing that was far away, on his phone screen at most. And now he really gets to feel it, and it feels so right, fuck, because Even is the right person pushing all the right buttons and Isak momentarily feels like he’s floating towards outer space. And then everything goes to shit once again. Because Even is bipolar, and he runs out naked in the middle of the night, and this whole thing _really_ meant nothing to him and he doesn’t love Isak. Fuck. 

Isak snorts bitterly. He already called him the “man of his life”. What a fucking fool he is. 

There are many fish in the sea, Eskild tells him. But I only want one fish, Isak thinks. 

He gets his one fish, though. Decides to get over himself and educate himself on Even’s illness. With some help from his friends, it all works out. 

So Isak has got a boyfriend now. And people know about it. And he’s also talking to his mum. On New Year’s Eve, Even and him end up laying on the ground in Isak’s room at some point, though they’re supposed to get ready, and Isak tells him everything, and that he’s proud of himself, because he’s made it this far. 

Even kisses him and says he’s prouder. They tell each other “I love you” for the first time that evening. 

V – Spring 2017

Isak is gay. Fuck, he is so gay. Since he’s moved in together with Even, all they seem to do is fuck. It’s been roughly eight weeks, and they’ve literally had sex every day. Several times, mostly. And Isak loves it. Loves that he has accepted himself, because what he has with Even is such a beautiful thing and he can’t imagine living without it now. He wishes he could go back to his past self, and give him a hug, and tell him everything would turn out fucking amazing. 

And yes, he loves the sex. In the past, he had hated himself for wanting it at all. Now, he can’t get enough (and neither can Even), because it’s so fucking hot and amazing and it seems like Even was made for him and for him only, pushing him to his limits, making him scream with pleasure, feeling Even inside of him and all around him until his mind is filled with only Even’s name and burning passion.

Isak is gay. And he’s willing to stand up to people being weird about it, be it the lady living across from them frowning at them whenever one of them leaves the flat the same time as her, people glaring at their intertwined hands while they’re out grocery shopping, or the girls at school who somehow think it’s okay to fangirl and giggle whenever Even and him walk by. He knows who he is. And he won’t hide, because he’s not weird or different. Just gay. 

Eskild notices this development, of course, has been there for Isak all along and has probably been waiting for him to get to this stage of self acceptance. Even laughs every time Eskild calls Isak “baby gay”. Eskild also tags Isak under gay memes on Insta. Because it’s something to laugh about now, it’s an adjective to throw around liberally, not something that makes Isak panic anymore. 

One night, Isak lies in bed, cuddled up to Even, faces red and hair damp from their previous activities, and Isak smiles. “You know, Even, when I said you’re the man of my life back then, I meant it.” Even chuckles. “I know you did, baby. I’ve had you saved as man of my life in my phone ever since.”

They start kissing. 

Life surely won’t always be easy, but right now, it sure feels like it will.

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, it's emil. hope y'all are well. if you like this, kudos or comments are appreciated. come talk to me about skam or anything else on lgbtqevak.tumblr.com  
> love ya  
> xoxo


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